I am trying. I can get better and better and exposing myself to triggers and still manage my behavior. What I want is such a deeper level of healing. But harming doesn’t happen on it’s own. I’m starting to see that. What I experience is my irrational thinking- I’m petrified that it’s going to “get me.” I’m an intelligent person but it’s baffling try to and really get my head around that- I’m the one that hurts myself. My hterapist told me we don’t talk freely about it. I tend to cover my ears when the subject comes up so I’m not sure how I didn’t know that we don’t talk freely- but I didn’t know. And now I know. And I want to talk freely. But I don’t know how. I told him the stakes were just too high. That’s how I feel. I am different now. But before if I tried talking I was never able to stay in control of the behavior– and so much of my attitude remains that I don’t really care about the behavior. What I care about is the urge. But I do care about the behavior. I care about my safety. I’ve never said that before. And in thinking about talking more with him about it I was thinking that I need to make him promise that he’ll keep me safe but the next thought is that he can’t. I’m the only one who can keep myself safe. Though asking for support is part of what I can do. I’ve come to figure out how support feels. I just hadn’t had an experience of it prior to my last bottom, which was a few years ago and I’m just getting to level ground again. And I’m getting there changed. I want to go into the subject and I feel so unsure about whether I can do that stay alive. I don’t know how people handle that. I’m safe when I’m with my therapist but if we talk about hard stuff…. that’s not even the right words…. how can I talk freely when all the language goes and vision blurs and the sounds get screaming loud. How I do take the next step forward. I have a fantasy of being in a hospitalization program where I can go and really talk and then don’t have to be in charge all by myself of me staying safe. But it’s weird. I’m safe enough. It’s been months and it was months before that. I just don’t know how to open up more without falling down. And it seems so serious. It’s my life that’s on the line. How do I gamble with that?