It’s been a long time since i last wrote on this. Since college I’ve gotten worse in every single way possible.I lost weight because the eating disorder and i SI more than i did last year in high school. A friend reported me to the counseling center on campus and they emailed me it wasn’t forced to go see them but after a week i went just to see what it was like. I also have a therapist or counselor ( i don’t know the difference) who i see every week now and my doctor who i see every month ( about the eating but i was supposed to schedule an appointment this month but I’m too scared to).
These problems are controlling my life and it’s ruining it in a sense that my friendships are starting to break and I’m failing a class because i don’t have the ability to concentrate any more. I have never failed a class before. My friends think I’m not trying but i am and then i went to visit my high school since my college has a fall break and i guess my friend saw marks on me that she noticed. My friend realized my scars and she’s now worried and i hate doing that to friends. I hate worrying them and causing them so much stress because now they have to worry about me and i don’t want them to.
College life with SI has been really hard every moment i get stressed i no longer try finding another outlet i just react and do what it is to help me. College was meant to be this fresh start that i’ve ALWAYS wanted where no one knows anything about my problems but a friend on campus that i just met did find out. It’s the first time for her to have a friend who SIs and there’s moments where i’m hanging out in her room and she can tell something’s wrong and i hate it because i know it worries her on the days where i’m not really talkative or really upset. I thought hitting your rock bottom is supposed to make you realize everything and work your way back up and just stop like my friends tell me ” just stop” or ” it’s easy” no one gets it. I’m at the rock bottom but it’s really hard to get to the top. I have been SIing for 8 years and the eating disorder has been on and off from middle school till jan. of senior year but from Jan- till now in october i’ve gotten worse and it’s no longer an on and off thing. Food has controlled my life.
I think i’m scared that the therapist is going to take away the only way i know how to deal with stress in my life. Tomorrow is my 3rd appointment with the counselor off campus she’s really cool but talking is something that’s really hard for me to do. When it comes to SI i can’t really say the words i___ fill in the blank it’s not in my vocab and i’ve been wearing sweaters every time because when i saw the counselor on campus he kept looking at my scars and it made me feel really uncomfortable so i worried she would do the same. I can keep updating you on my life but it’s been so crazy that it would require multiple posts to let everything I’ve been holding in the last 2-3 months. Right now my life is falling apart.