So it’s been about three and a half weeks since the last time I gave in to SI. I have been doing pretty well the last couple of months, only slipping up now and again. I don’t want to give in again but I know I can’t be unrealistic about it and say “oh, it will never happen again” because I don’t know that. I just know I have to take it day by day and trust that God will carry me though each day.
But something new has come up in recent weeks…I have found myself becoming very fond of a certain guy at my college and I must admit I like him a decent amount. And I have legit reasons why…not just cuz he’s cute or talented. He has a good heart and knows what’s important in life, like living for God and not being hypocritical. He supports To Write Love on Her Arms and I think he’d really get it if I told him that I’m a recovering self injurer. I’m just afraid he doesn’t have the same feelings I have for him towards me, you know? Like we’ve been hanging out every day for two weeks…which is not very long at all. But even so, I would be devastated if I found out right now he didn’t feel the same way. I’m afraid what I’d do if I realized I wasn’t good enough for him like months down the line. I don’t want a boy to be the reason I resort back to SI, but I just know that it’s what I resort to when I’m hurt emotionally. I guess I’m just afraid of my own reaction. Kind of crazy, I guess. Getting your heart broken is kind of a normal part of life…unless you’re addicted to self injury as a way to release emotional pain and don’t know how to handle it any other way. Which is me and I assume a lot of other people on here.
I want to learn to handle emotional pain a normal way. I want to be able to cry…and not just a tear, but loud sobs that. Like even if no one knew my pain, they’d feel it in their gut if they heard me cry because they can tell my cries are not because I’m weak, but because I’m hurting for real. I want to be able to run to a friend and cry on their shoulder knowing they wouldn’t be annoyed or judge me or tell me to stop crying. Is that too much to ask for?
This guy I’m interested in…I’ve never felt this way about a guy in my life. I’m 19 and I’ve never had a legit boyfriend, unless you count middle school. I just don’t want to scare him off by him finding out my biggest struggle in life is trying not to hurt myself. But I suppose the right guy wouldn’t be scared off, they’d want to stay even more and help me, right?