I wrongly assumed that getting sober meant I’d be happier. When I shared this with a friend in recovery (from both alcohol and self injury) she reminded me that we drank/used/SI’ed to cope with what we were feeling, when we take away those coping mechanisms we are left with the same feelings.That’s where I’m at right now. I feel really down. I’m not depressed- just sad.
I completed my college application and started filling out fafsa forms. I feel really proud of myself for that. It feels so different doing this for myself. When I graduated high school my parents told me I was going to college. I hated school. I ended up dropping out two years later, a couple math classes short of my AA. I didn’t want it for me, I just wasn’t ready. This time, 6 years later, I’m doing it for me and it’s amazing the motivation I’m filled with.
I wanted to blog to share some hope. Tomorrow I complete outpatient treatment. I’ve changed so much in the last two and a half months. I was always under the influence of some kind of mind altering substance, self injuring too regularly, HATING myself, knowing nothing about myself, lying, manipulating, completely dependant on others, and basing my self worth on how other people feel and think about me-which was often times just my own irrational beliefs of what I THOUGHT people were thinking about me. Today I’m sober for 69 days, I’m eating well, not self-injuring on a regular basis, not judging my every move and hating myself. That’s so not to say I’m not struggling. I AM, a lot. I just think it’s so cool to see what happens when you want recovery for yourself, when you start taking in and practicing what the tools you’ve been given, when you start trusting those in recovery and listening to what has worked for them.
I’m very sad to leave rehab, it’s so bittersweet. I’m scared. I wont have drug test to deter me from using, I wont have a room full of peers that I have to be honest with 4 times a day in a group setting, I wont have multiple therapist and staff holding me accountable during the day.
I have been slowly phased out back in to the world, into work and home and life, I still have a therapist, I have a lot of support from the community there, and from a lot of new friends in recovery. I’ve been totally set up for sucess. Now it’s up to me to keep working hard every day, sometimes every hour, at staying healthy.