It’s late and I’m SO tired. I feel like I need to share though, get it off my chest. I self injured earlier today. I didn’t like the way my therapy session went, I got all irrational and thought she hated me or thought I was stupid, I got home and was writing about this in my journal when I looked in the mirror and I felt totally unattractive, and worthless. I felt I had no other option than to punish myself for looking how I look. So methodically I made a plan, followed through, got dressed and went to work. I felt bad about it but decided I wasn’t going to tell my partner. When we got home she confronted me about it. I am a terrible liar, terrible, and before she finished her sentence she knew the answer. We talked about it briefly. I’m not distraught over this, I know if I focus on it I will get caught up in it- and really, there is nothing I can do to change it at this point so I’m moving on. I am dissapointed in myself though, not for having irrational thoughts, not at all for having the urge to self injure, just dissapointed I didn’t use any of these tools I’ve been taught. I’ve been doing really well about calling people in AA when I want a drink, but when it comes to self injury I just get extra nervous. I have a few people I could call but it’s just so uncomfortable to open up about. It’s such a private thing, ya know ? I’m pretty good at talking about it in groups, in therapy, in general, but when it comes to ME picking up a phone, or pulling someone aside to tell them I feel like harming myself- I just close up. I feel ashamed. So, I posted this because it feels good to not keep these deep, dark secrets anymore.