A small miracle took place in me last night. I am 52 days sober and a couple weeks SI free- I did residential treatment through august and the start of September and I’ve been doing outpatient treatment the past three weeks. Last night my girlfriend bought a bottle of cooking wine at the grocery store, I got home from work and saw this bottle and asked her why she bought that. This may seem trivial, a bottle of cooking wine, I would have thought so too until I saw the alcohol content and the smell. It’s triggering. She got really,really upset with me. She asked if I was seriously that tempted that I’d consider drinking cooking wine…I shook my head yes, embarressed. She said that was really sad and that she didn’t ask to “live this life” with me. When she started raising her voice my first thought was self injury. Something different happened though, something that I’ve never experienced. With her yelling and me wanting to use/hurt myself- a calm came over me. Her words were sinking in and I thought this would be the perfect excuse to have a drink, to hurt myself and it’d be a good enough reason to me. It didn’t happen though, it all just floated away. The obsession to drink and the urge to self injure faded away in to nothing. She was talking and I was hearing but I was so calm. It hurt my feelings, it still hurts my feelings. Obviously if I could control my use I wouldn’t have been in treatment. Me three months ago would have never been able to sit there, hear the yelling, and then just let it go and move on.