when i think of recovery i get nervous. when i hear recovery stories i get chills. like i never see myself reaching it. what is recovered? ivegone months at a time wihout si….but i always think about it. i keep getting really emotional the past few days and i keep thinking/wanting  to si. i dont know why the thought of never siing again freaks me out. like i can ration it out. four times a year…once a month…twice a year…just please dont take away my coping mechanism. no one knows im thinking about it. no one knows about my tools i keep with me everyday. ive been ok without it but knowing i have it to fll back on is comforting right now. and i know its wrong. i know i need help. but feeling helpless and feeling alone isnt helping me at all.  i just want to fast forward a few years. be done with school. get married have babies…live happily ever after…but to put it simply i cant ever imagine anyone loving me when i dont even love myself……sorry i dont mean to be so negative. its just oooone of those days