when i think of recovery i get nervous. when i hear recovery stories i get chills. like i never see myself reaching it. what is recovered? ivegone months at a time wihout si….but i always think about it. i keep getting really emotional the past few days and i keep thinking/wanting to si. i dont know why the thought of never siing again freaks me out. like i can ration it out. four times a year…once a month…twice a year…just please dont take away my coping mechanism. no one knows im thinking about it. no one knows about my tools i keep with me everyday. ive been ok without it but knowing i have it to fll back on is comforting right now. and i know its wrong. i know i need help. but feeling helpless and feeling alone isnt helping me at all. i just want to fast forward a few years. be done with school. get married have babies…live happily ever after…but to put it simply i cant ever imagine anyone loving me when i dont even love myself……sorry i dont mean to be so negative. its just oooone of those days
I know EXACTLY how you feel because this is exactly how I feel :/
I usually go months without si as well and once I can’t help it any loger I do it..
Just hang in there.. Don’t think of it as quiting forever.. Whenever you think you want to do it, just tell yourself to wait just one more day or one more week.. This helped me for a while and I didn’t si for a year until I gave up and had a relapse :/ Now it’s even harder to stop..
It’s like a diet.. You do a good job until one day you fall off the wagon and then it’s 10 times harder to get back on lol but it’s possible..
Try to not think about NEVER SIing again, that thought it just way to overwhelming. Take it a day at a time. Just think “I just have to make it until midnight” and usually when midnight rolls around you’ve had time to stop and think. When I do this, I am always relieved that I didn’t act out on my thoughts.