Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
SI is an addiction. When I was younger, and naive, I’d think about this, and wonder how people got that low within their life. Now I understand.
I had a mental breakdown Wednesday… and I really need to write about it before it gets lost forever in the past. My mom has finally graduated. Congrats and all… but her graduation is the same day as my already scheduled SAT. Sure I have taken the ACT already, but not the SAT. Now, I am a senior, and what am I supposed to do if I can’t get into college because of this test? I don’t know what I even want to be. Let alone where to go and I just… it is completely overwhelming. The next day after the SAT october 1st, which I am already scheduled for, is November 5th. Which I am worried is the day of the play’s performance.
Now to catch you up, I auditioned for a play at my high school on Wednesday as well. I knew I did awful. Everyone told me, Nope, you were fine. Well 1) I hate the word fine. 2) my hands were shaking 3) I spoke way too fast… So I was hoping because I am a senior that that would give me a shot for callbacks the next day, but. alas, a negative. Turns out on Thursday I didn’t make it. Which always bites because the day after my breakdowns I am so out of it it is exhausting. SO I was in one of those, out of it moods where everything is more rough then it normally is. Where I just wanted to give up… on everything, including every auditioning again, including caring. So my boyfriend blew up on me, frustrated at me and whatnot. He had never seen me upset. So it was one of those things where he just wanted to prove the point that he has issues too. Not the same as mine in any sense that I know of, but still.
Go on and try and tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper,
like a skyscraper.
-Skyscraper (Demi Lovato)
Oh goodness… anyways, so I told my mom I probably could not make it to her graduation. And so I went outside to talk to my dad about it, came back inside and nearly started crying. So my mom looks at me and she is simply like, “just stop, stop.” And I start almost crying… And I just couldn’t- not with her judging me! So I took off my socks, grabbed my phone and headed out of the door. I walked 10 minutes to the local elementary school, and there was a small park there. I sat by this tree.
The tree… the three-trunked tree, that one symbolized togetherness, and support, which is ironic cuz I had none. The second tree there was worn, and was being reached by the three-trunked tree. It was small and weak. The first tree was tall, and the bark was ripped from the trunk. That one was alone to the side of the park. I wrote “Nothing” on that tree.
So I sat by the three-trunked tree, and I cried there. I spoke to myself, or God, I am not sure which is real or which is not. So I spoke and I froze there. I let all the self pity and hate just soak and I cried… I do not let myself cry. It is such a weak thing to allow myself to do.
I called people… and nobody answered at first… so I injured… It felt… I just knew I couldn’t go further. So I called somebody else I’ve never called before, and I talked to her. And that helped.
She offered to pick me up if I needed, and was worried about the weather.
I talked to her, and it helped. Just being able to talk.
Would you stop and take a look at me now
Could you stop and take a look at me now
When your standing right infront of me
Your looking at the posotive that was negative
Would you stop and take a look at me now
-Take A Look At Me Now (Greyson Chance)
Well… so on Friday I talked to my guidance counselor about this. What did she say? Well, she asked when I feel happy, like truly happy. On a scale from 1-10. I said I am happy on a 7 most the time. She then asked how often most days turn up being, and I said 3… 3 being the days I have breakdowns. 2 being the days I minor SI, and 1 being major. I have about a “3” moment at least twice a week. That’s not natural, that is not right whatsoever. So I believe she is majorly worried now about me… that I have to fix this somehow. That I have to get a checkup, maybe be put on medication. Maybe I have more problems then I originally thought.
Can I handle that? Can I?
What else… she wants me to organize my life. She believes that maybe having a planner will make me feel more in control of myself. I suppose that this is true. Very true. SO I guess now I just have to put this into action.
I believe I need to sleep now…
Side note though before I forget… Senior pictures. I have been taking some this weekend. Doused myself in makeup, did my hair… It is nearly sickening. My mom and gma are all like, “you’re so pretty”. I just wish I could hear that with nothing done to beautify myself. Then the photo editing airbrushes myself, and they continue to say, “look at the difference! subtle but necessary.” thanks… just totally… I just look at the photos, and I feel so fat. I told my boyfriend this… and he just simply put, “you are gorgeous.”
Maybe I am?
Thank you Brett… Thank you Jess. Thank you. Thank you Laura, thank you Suzanne. All of you help more then you know.
Maybe I am worth it?