Right now, I am five weeks and five days SI free. Before that, I was almost seven weeks free and then gave in one time. But I feel like no matter how long I go, it’s always right there, waiting for me to return.
I mean even if I miraculously go a day without the urge–which is very rare–that night I still dream about it! I mean what’s the point if I resist SI and feel like I’m getting better, then have a nightmare where I’m SI-ing. Then the next day the only thing I can think about is making that dream come true. I’ve come so close in the last week and a half that it’s shocking that I didn’t give in. Does that make me stronger? Or does that just mean that I’m postponing the ineffable? Part of me feels like I should just give in and then start over. Like I need to relapse to regain motivation to not do it…? Does that make any sense?
I don’t go a day without thinking about SI. A lot of my friends know about it now and so does my youth pastor and his wife back home (i’m at college) and they r all praying for me and rooting for me to beat self injury. I just sometimes lose focus on why I’m in this fight in the first place.
God doesn’t want us in pain. God wants us to have abundant life in Him. He is there for us when we need emotional release that we can’t find anywhere but in self inflicted pain. He is our refuge when we feel like self injury is our last resort, or even our first resort. God wants to be a safe place for us to find rest and peace just knowing that God is God, no matter our circumstances. And he CARES about our circumstances and wants to give us the strength to get through them in one piece.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” -Psalm 46:1 (My life verse.)
I’m going to be honest and say I’m actually fairly new at SI (conscious SI, anyways. I did it without realizing when I was younger.) I started when i was 17 and I’m now 19. I never knew when I was 16 that I would be fighting this addiction with everything I’ve got. I didn’t know I’d be up all hours of the night balling my eyes out and relishing in the fact that tears were able to escape. I didn’t know that just seeing a potential tool would trigger something inside me that cannot be described to someone who has never experienced it. And I didn’t know that I would ever want people to know my struggle. But I feel like for me to heal, I need people by my side the whole time. Someone in a hospital can’t heal themselves, can they? There’s the doctor (God/Jesus) and the nurses (people, others, believers). I need people around me to help me heal.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense. I sort of went off on a tangent and sort of answered my own question but I really want to know everyone else’s opinion. Does it get any easier for you? Do you relate to what I’m going through? I mean every day it’s a constant struggle! Like a magnetic pull I fight every day and it’s exhausting! People think I’m such a baby for being tired when my class load isn’t that bad but acting like I’m okay all day takes more from me than I would imagine.
I really like to get comments if you guys wouldn’t mind. It helps me realize that I’m not alone in this battle of self injury.