I know it’s bad to bottle feelings up but I don’t have anyone I feel like I can talk to.. My friends are great and I love my 2 best friends to death but I don’t want to bore them.. It’s bad enough I’ve been super depressed lately and they know, they just don’t know how much..
Today I was so close to breaking down in front of them but I just took deep breaths and swallowed that painful knot in my throat several times throughout the day.. There’s just so manny problems in my life right now.. Everything (litterally) is going wrong..
My dad, who I haven’t seen for several years is being deported back to Argentina and I’m never gona get the chance to tell him I’m sorry for being a horrible daughter and that I forgive him for what he did and that I really do love him and miss him everyday even though I’ve been saying that I hated him all these years.. I really wanted to lose weight and make something of myself to make him proud for once.. My mom has a new boyfriend that is ruining my life and my mom doesn’t have the guts to stand up to him.. So life at home is awful.. I need a new job but no one will hire me cause I’m so fat and ugly.. My new (and first) boyfriend is trying to get closer to me but for some reason I just can’t accept his love.. I had broken up with him once because I feel like I’m not good enough for him and he wanted to get back together anyways. I’m trying to make this relationship work but everytime he kisses me I just feel so ugly.. He’s a lot skinnier than me so I feel so ugly everytime we see eachother. I’m so close to crying, this huge hole in my chest has been hurting all day..
I usually SI once every few months after getting that bottle of emotions nice and full.. I was REALLY close to just leaving my friends and going home to do it today.. But I didn’t.. I’m fighting the urge right now as I’m typing this.. I really want to stop. I hope writing my thoughts and feelings here will help.. I tried the whole therapy thing for a year once in highschool but it didn’t help.. And I really don’t want to have to take anti-depressants.. I really don’t need all that extra weight you gain when you take those >_<