Today I talked to Laura again… second time now, and really helpful.

I write here, because well, to remember. Maybe somebody else can find her words useful. Maybe not, maybe my words are just taking up space.

We started off today by talking about how I organize life. Which makes sense considering I am going to college and whatnot. Part of me wishes that I could start the convo about my issues, but I squeeze it into what we are talking about. Well, I am going to start an organization system to keep track of important events. If I can remember those, then life will be simpler, and therefore, less stress. Less stress, probably less likely to want to SI.

I went from there, and squeezed in that I had the party this weekend. That I was nervous there because it brought up past memories of my ex-best friend. But thats a different story. I was thinking a lot about the cake there, the one I didn’t eat because I couldn’t eat it. It was too much, especially with the pit of my stomach completely feeling eck. I swear I need to lose weight. SO I told Laura I hate eating in public, which is true. I feel like people stare at me like I’m eating. “There’s the fat chick eating again. Let’s watch as she shoves food down her throat.” It’s sickening.

So she asked about that, and I wasn’t sure. She asked what I wanted to change, and I simply responded, “I don’t know. I just, it’s so much. Everything is so much.” And so I was close to crying then, so I took a breath, and she started talking.

Laura told me the life of a model wasn’t fine and dandy. That their agent’s controlled them in every extreme. Told them where to be, how to dress, how to have their hair cut, without any explanation at all. What to eat, how much to weigh, how much to be tan. That model’s are generally plastered in makeup, have eating disorders, and then airbrushed. Not to mention, that for certain shoots, they may be shot in cold weather. Apparently, they have glue on their legs to attach the sand. How interesting…

Part of me still wishes to be that thin. The thinness of a model.

Another part of me remembers what else she said today. That our body WORKS. That we can move. Nothing is wrong with my body itself. Apparently, I focus too much on my figure, my appearance, instead of my body. Girls often get told when they are younger, “you are so pretty” where guys get told, “you throw the ball really far”. Guys are told athletic body, girls are told appearance, beauty. SO looks are already hammered at us from a young age. Nowadays, even guys are told about looks in the six pack desire. So by focusing on our body, the fact that I can physically run, that I can move my fingers, my arms, my legs, I am not paralyzed. I also have the ability to embroider where other people may not be able to. I can have that quickness to me. I have great stamina, I can do sports. My body physically is serving it’s purpose.

I just have to tell myself that it is more then just fat.

Go run, run, run.
I’m gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear.
Yeah, ohh.
Go run, run, run.
Yeah, it’s a long way down,
But I am closer to the clouds,
Up here.

-Skyscraper Demi Lovato

I’m worth it – ButterflyChick