I want to appoliogize if I go from one topic to another randomly, I just needed to talk I guess…
I wore shorts today. this is the third or fourth time I have all summer. I have scars. I know it, I see my manager stare at the scars, but I pretned I dont see him staring. I pretend I am scar free like everyone else is. I was in the car with a friend yesteray and as I was driving I saw him staring at me. When I noticed he looked the other way. I didnt say anything about it but I mean… I saw it. I know people noticed, but at some point I need to get used to it. I need to realize I have done this to myself and I need to live with it. As cheesy as it sounds, demi lovatos song Skyscraper has kept me strong for a while. Sometimes the song depresses me, but other times, like today I feel stronger. I feel stupid for relating to her but at the same time, i love the message she has put out.
Well today I skipped school for the first time this semester. I didnt skip it just to skip though I skipped it so I Could help out my family. I Dont know how I feel about it though. My dad got mad at me today because I told him he needed to rest. I got yelled out and called ungrateful and selfish. Really??? I didnt miss school and an hour of work to HELP you? Im pretty sure I could have just gone to school and not even cared about them. My mom sees it. My mom the person who was my enemy for so long has become my ally. My dad is losing his marbles. Literally. Consistantly for the passed 6 months whenever he drinks he becomes emotional that night, the next day he angry ALL day, and the third day he isnt talking to my mom, cousin, or myself. Its a cycle I cant handle anymore. I havnt sied in a two weeks. I dont really feel the urge as often which is good. I think I’m too busy, and my tools are too hidden for me to attempt it. Which I mean is good I guess, but I feel the need for a release sooner than later.
Anyway, I dont know how much longer I can handle my dads problem. Its clear he is addicted to alcohol but doesnt realize it. At the same time its not all the time, but I know enough about addition to know that its not constant. Ive told him to get help, and he pointed out that Im crazier than he is so I need help first. Gee, thanks dad.
My best friend is having a baby, and Im really happy for her, supportive in every way, but sometimes I feel like she doesnt appreciate me. Her other “best friend” who has blown her off for partying since she got prego threw her baby shower. Now I’m out of the picture because I didnt throw the shower. Well sorry I didnt offer up the day I found out you got pregnant. And I know shes not mad at me or anything along those lines. I have a feeling her other friend is going to be the babys “god mother” because shes going to “call” it first like the shower. And I mean, whatever. Sure it bothers me, otherwise I wouldnt think about it, or mention it. But it hurts. I was there for everything since we were 14. For every break up, for every 2 a.m call, for the day she ran away and came back and si-ed, the day she found out she was preg, the night she thought she was losing the baby, for every pregnacy question ( even though Ive never had a baby), for everything! I dont want to make myself sound awesome because by all means Im not, but i swear ive been a good friend to her. Ive been there for almost anything and now Im being overlooked. BUt at the same time I understand. She is going through so many new changes in her body, in her life, in her relationship, that I need to be less important. Idk maybe im looking into this too far. Maybe Im being selfish. Maybe Im just stupid, thats all.
I need to lose weight. I need to I need to I need to. For my health, for my self esteem, for me. But when I fall off the wagon I cant get back on. I hate what I look like, I hate who Ive become. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see this giant hippo. Other times I dont feel so bad. I guess thats normal, but I know that everyone sees that giant hippo, not me.