My life doesn’t quite seem how it used to be. So many people care, or at least say they care and go behind my back, taunting my trust. I don’t understand.
At times I often become worried, that my boyfriend will suddenly find out about all of my problems and hate me. That our love is not strong enough to withstand my issues. He already knows about my eating disorder, but can he handle my difficulty with SI? I am so proud of my best friend for making it one year, but I can hardly stand a few months. Especially with haunting thoughts and memories of the past right around the corner.
Every single day I see her. My ex-best friend. Her smiles taunt me, as if she realizes I watch her. She is with another one of her friends, one she knew longer then me. But it really makes no sense. Not really. She doesn’t talk to me, it is as if we surround our world with gaps, where our similar friends can talk to both of us at different times without realizing the other is there. Even though, in reality, both of us are never together. I feel her presence though, and hear her talk, and I break a little. But then I remember the misery, and the heartache, and the fact she was the starter of it all. I also notice, she doesn’t have the magnet anymore, the one in her locker with her first initial, the one I gave her freshman year. Now it is senior year, and we live entirely different lives.
Somehow, I try walking the fragile line, between my old life and this new one. On friday, was the football game, the first home game of the season. Panther Pride. Dressed all in black, with blue face paint, I walk, alone, but appearing confident. I switched back and forth between friend groups. During half time, I watched the marching band perform, and my heart ached, yearning for the field. Yet I realized, all the effort put in would never satisfy my needs enough. The color guard… the band… the colors, the attitude. I wore my color guard t-shirt that day, and I took a chance and walked among the bandies during third-quarter. Hugging those I knew from my past, as the ones that haunted me grew nowhere close.
As promised, I attempted to clean my room this weekend. Although that did fail. My mom promised to help me if I worked outside with her… and no help I got in return. My brother broke something, and I reluctantly said I could not help pick it up. My mom and grandma made fun of me. But I couldn’t, not if it would trigger something. The thing is, they didn’t understand, even when they know! How could I be near the one object which was one of my first tools? I could not be able to resist.
Today… just a half hour now until Wednesday. Which means I am seeing a psychologist then. I guess that means I am officially crazy. I am so confused and nervous and mixed up… I see my school guidance counselor once a week, so this really would not be that much different. Except she is getting paid for it. That is what makes me nervous. What if she doesn’t care? What if she is simply greedy for money? I need this so badly, I need help now. I can not handle waiting another day for help. Not when I am on the edge, not when I can crack and SI again when it has been so long. Every second is spent wanting to. I think my biggest concern is that I will have to find a new psychologist if I do not like her… But actually, my biggest concern is that I do not want help, as much as I want help, I want to remain scarred.
Happy 14 weeks… SI free.
Thank you Jess for your help.
-Butterfly Chick, I am worth it. Fly forever free.