I don’t know what to think anymore. I wish I could form opinions and articulate what I want to say to people but I can’t. It’s so hard for me to just be able to express my feelings and everything. I recenly got subscribed medication for depression and I want to say it is working but I’m just not sure. I still get thoughts of Si and all of the issues with it. Like, right now I want to. Even though it’s the middle of the day, I want to do it. I used to be so happy when I hung out with my friend and her child but now it’s almost exhausting. I mean I still love it and everything but it hard to keep up a good mood. She wants me to move in with her when she gets a job, and I think it will be so awesome to be around that child all the time but it will be tiring and I don’t know if I am mentally capable of handling something like that. And then it means I would have to get another job to pay for rent, etc. and that stresses me out and scares me a lot. I don’t know, family has been stressing me out lately and I am not dealing with it well at all. I hope later on I feel better, so I won’t get the urge to SI.
Hi there –
You say you wish you “could form opinions and articulate” what you want to say, and I think you’re doing a fine job of that in this post. Well-written, clear, to the point – maybe if talking in person is hard for you, you could do more writing or use the writing as a way to practice what you want to say to people in person.
As far as the medication for depression not working, I know from experience that most of the psychotropic meds require 6-8 weeks before you notice any improvement. The levels of the active ingredients have to build up in your system, and that takes time. Lots of people quit taking the meds because they are frustrated with how slowly they work – I know it’s hard, but you might want to stick it out and see if you notice any results in a couple of weeks.
My last bit of advice (unsolicited -lol!)is that any big changes can be a trigger, including moving, changing jobs, etc., but sometimes if where we’re at isn’t working, changing our situation can help to establish new, healthier patterns. One of the things that really helped me to stay clean & injury-free in the early years of my recovery was moving in with a couple of good friends (2 of them were also in recovery from self-injury & eating disorders). Having others around whom you can talk to day or night, who don’t judge you can be invaluable. Loneliness and isolation can so easily cause us to reach that threshold of anxiety that makes self-injury much more likely. My friends’ lives and needs often helped distract me from my own troubles, as well as kept me accountable to someone regarding my behavior. Just something to consider 🙂
Peace Kelsey