I’m feeling out of control and no one to turned to. I’m moving into college officially this Saturday and i haven’t SIed in a week but right now i’m so tempted. My eating disorder is getting out of control but yes there’s weight loss but it’s never good enough and that scares me.
Then there’s the recent SI that i did where i always have to hide it and i’m always scared of someone seeing it. I feel like i can never get rid of the Eating disorder voice and the being tempted to SI voice. I don’t what to do but part of me thinks the only way is to go into a treatment facility but i can’t. There’s also the option of counseling but speaking and telling someone that i SI is impossible because after 8 years i have never been able to form the words out of my mouth. Deep down i’m in a mix of what i should do. I don’t know any other way to cope with things than to SI and every time i do try to stop i always go back so why bother if it’s always going to haunt me. Then with the eating i try and there’s always this thing in the back of my head that sees me as fat and disgusting because in January my dad called me fat. I’m 19 years old.
I’m sorry for going back and forth the real thing is i’m going to college where no one knows any of this and if i have the urge now while i’m at home just imagine when i’m at school dealing with 4 classes. Some times it just scares me. How did i get myself into this and my scars are always a constant reminder that something’s wrong with me. I don’t want things to be wrong with me i just want to be like everyone else. I used to think to recover from an ED and gaining the weight my doctor wanted me to would be easy but it’s not even close to easy. I thought spending one week being SI free meant i can go beyond that and it would be the easiest thing i mean other people can never pick up a tool and hurt themselves why can’t i? Eight long years with SI and an on and off ED since 8th grade just stayed longer this year since January.
It’s hard going through this without support when i had a school counselor helping me and supporting me i realized i didn’t SI as frequently as i used to but then i graduated and i fell back to the same routine because i wasn’t seeing anyone any more. I didn’t have that person that i trusted to speak what was on my mind. When i feel alone those are the times i want to SI the most some times.