I started hurting myself in say.. April? All I wanted to do was not think. I had no one who would notice either, which perhaps was the worst part. I would hide my injuries and no one noticed a thing. When they did on occasion notice anything I was a great actress. It got worse. I would Self Injure at school because I had no one else to be with. And again, no one noticed a thing. Eventually, I started eating lunch with this one teacher, and things seems to happen less frequently. Soon, I felt ready to go to my first dance alone. I had always had a boy by my side before. A cute junior took me into his attention and next thing I knew I was at prom with him. I though tI was over everything. I was certain my life had turned around, without any help at that! But whenever I heard about self harm, I felt a pull toward doing that. When I realized what I was thinking, I would get upset. Why was I feeling that way?! I should be happy! I had a great new boyfriend, more friends, bla bla bla.I relapsed July 4th.
I can’t explain how upset I was. I was so done. I found a friend who took away my tools and I kept myself from finding more. Today I spoke with my doctor. We are thinking I might have rapid cycling Bipolar. I wasn’t happy to find that out either. So now I find myself a hypocrite. I get distraught if I find out someone is SIing (this site is hard for me to read) and at the same time I want to.. I really do. Everyone say’s that to stop you have to want to.. But I don’t. This is a problem… I LOVE helping other people. I love to make other people happy. Maybe I think I eventually will become happy doing that. Sounds reasonable to me. I love to be depended on, I hate to be dependent. I want to want to stop, but I see no real reason..
this isn’t really what i wanted to say. but i don’t know how to fix it..