It’s not easy to admit you’ve failed to people who are rooting for you to succeed. In fact, it’s probably the hardest thing ever. I went almost seen weeks without SI and gave in…I was so upset about it afterwards. I’d never been that upset. I’m usually relieved. But i didn’t get the same relief. So I SIed more. Still, no relief. Instead I just had this utter feeling sadness afterwards that overwhelmed me…but i didn’t want to SI again. I wanted to NEVER do it again. I let people down and disappointed my very close friends. I was being prayed for by so many people who love me and care for me that I confided in about my self injury. When I told them, I felt awful. I wasn’t mad at myself for being stupid, but mad at myself because I let them down.
I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter how many times I mess up…because I WILL mess up. It just matters that I keep on trying again and drawing closer and closer to God. I want God to use my experiences for His glory. If my story and my words and what I’ve gone through can help just one person in any way then it’s all been worth it. This summer I fought a battle so difficult, I didn’t think I’d make it out alive. But I survived and I am now back at college away from my main triggers and I am confident in moving forward and continuing to heal.
Self injury is something I never even imagined I’d ever do or even understand. I remember asking my friend what it was and why people do it and it just didn’t make sense to me. But it does now because I’ve gone through it. I’ve fought the urges and won, and I’ve fought the urges and lost. I’ve been there and I know that it helps in some ways, but it’s not worth it in the long run. I never thought I would have to deal with scars that I am ashamed of and need to explain away. I never thought someone making fun of “emo” people would affect me so much that I want to cry instead of laugh like everyone else. I never thought that the stereotype of “emo” would bug me so much. I never imagined that the organization “To Write Love on her Arms” would mean so much to me. I never thought that I would be almost three weeks SI free and URGE FREE for longer than I ever thought possible. I don’t go through the days thinking about injuring but I think about how God is going to use what I’ve gone through to help someone else.
THERE IS HOPE PEOPLE!!! But you must be willing to start again…and again…and again, if that’s what it takes. God is not angry with you when you mess up. He’s there with you with open arms just waiting for you to embrace Him again.
God loves ALL of you. He sent His Son, Jesus, to die for you! HE died for us so that we could be free of the bondage of sin. Embrace that love because you will never experience anything else like it no matter what you use to replace it.