So my sister and i used to be best friends, like close as can be. We were inseperable and we always had each others back on everything. Ever since she graduated from high school, which has only been two years, she has completely distanced herself from everyone. She has this boyfriend now that got her pregnant and they are inseperable. i finally took her out to lunch the other day to try to get her alone to try and talk to her, i thought itd be fun like it used to be….wow was i wrong. she vented to me and told me stories shes already told like a million times and then some that i would have preffered to never know, but i just listened because i thought thats what she needed.Then she goes on telling me some crazy stuff shes done and all shes been through and im just like “come home. everything will be ok if you just come home”..she can barely afford her appartment, they are going on food stamps and all the welfare they can get to scrape by, she gets herself into certain situations that scare me but shes too stuborn to come home. she talked me into giving her money for the rent she couldnt pay so i gave it to her but in reality im almost positive its just going straight to her boyfriend for drugs. i wish i could get her boyfriend alone and away from her for just a little and tell him how i really feel but that would only drive my sister away and i would never be able to see my soon to be nephew either. what do i do just sit back and watch her ruin her life or end it? should i say something to him with the possibility of driving her away for good? seriously i need some huge advice cause im really stuck right now and im so afraid im gonna lose her.
Wow. I don’t know if I have any advice. I just wanted to say *something* to let you know someone has heard you.
Love, “love”, a sense of responsibility, stubbornness, spite, trying to live to the status quo.. all of this makes us do things that, to other people, will seem irrational, crazy, insane, etc. I know I’ve stayed in quite a few relationships over the years for some or all of the above reasons.
The important thing is she did meet you, she did talk to you. Telling you stories you already knew could have just been her, too, trying to recreate ‘the good old days’ but in her current state they just came out as frenetic and repetitive. The important thing is she did come out, she did talk to you, she did vent to you.
The danger is (as we all know ourselves) is when conversation ceases, there is nothing to discuss, the plastic smile is on – when the people we love start stonewalling because they no longer feel that they *deserve* to have anyone who will listen.
The money thing… eh. That one is always hard too. If there is a next time, don’t hand over the cash. Ask for the address to mail the rent check to, do it that way, especially if you feel it could be going to the wrong place. Same sort of thing if it’s for food or whatever – use gift cards at grocery stores, etc. My family has been wonky enough for long enough that even when we do have 100% trust between each other we’ll do it that way because we know that yeah, I may hand my brother 50.00 for groceries, but he may, in a fit of just ‘I feel bad for myself’ melancholy instead stop at a convienence store or a Starbucks or whatever and blow it in a fit of ‘retial therapy’, whereas the grocery store gift card can at least only be spent at the grocery. (In the case when you think they could be using it for illicit stuff, if possible for you offer to take them food shopping, or show up ‘out of the blue’ with the necessary groceries).
Big hugs, hang in there. Not sure if any of this will help.
Here’s the thing. I am entirely about being able to handle things your self but I really think for this you need more help than just yourself I’m here for you if you need but you definitely need to get someone to talk to them together with you. Just remember to always stay calm, never judge, and make sure it doesn’t sound like an attack:
I’m here if you need someone to talk to.
thank you guys so much and yeah the advice definetly helps. it is hard and something needs to be said its just i cant find the right words to say without offending her because thats the last thing i want to do. i want her to be herself again and for us to have the realationship we once had but seeing her the other day just makes me think thats not possible. my family is kind of falling apart over this situation, we all want whats best for her but for some reason she thinks we are all against her…i guess i just need to figure out what to say and get some guts to say it before its to late. thank you guys for the advice though:)