Back to the same routine. I remembered when a counselor in my high school would tell me how it takes time to build a master piece because there’s all these little parts to it i guess it takes time to fully recover no matter how badly you just want to be “normal” i guess. My eating disorder is back not that it ever left in the first place but i was fine for the first few days being here at my college summer program.  It’s not only the eating disorder but the SI that i have been doing. Before coming to college i literally thought i wont have the time or the privacy to SI but i was wrong. It’s a hidden secret here compared to when i was in High school and i had the few friends that knew. I’m constantly thinking whether people suspect here or not i’m always trying to hide. I’m always stressed which makes me constantly want to SI and maybe it’s also the fact that i don’t have that support that i used to have. I know recovery is possible but how long does it take till i can get to that point. I’ve been doing this for 8 years 8 LONG years i’m a 19 year old who’s gonna be a freshman in college. I feel weak and i look at my scars and i want them to disappear. I’m ashamed of my body and of who i am. It’s scary when you feel like you’re going through it alone.
I’m always disappointed in myself for doing this so why can’t that motivate me enough to last. Do i really need the support system? I don’t know what’s going on in my head i really don’t. I’m back to square one again…nothing new.