I’ve been in this college summer program for almost 2 full weeks where I’ve worked hard in my class, met really awesome friends and people and had my ups and downs. This summer program helps us in a sense prepare for when we move in at the end of August. It’s been hard because i’m here and i don’t have that support from friends because i refuse to let anyone here in on my issues I mean they’re just starting to realize i have eating issues and they don’t know it. My roommate said it out loud a few times saying ” i swear you’re like gonna end up with an eating disorder” i get that she does it because she cares but she’s saying a statement that she doesn’t know yet. I have an eating disorder she doesn’t even know yet so just imagine if i told her about my SI issues.
I’m struggling with food right now i have to get on the right track according to my doctor and it’s so hard and it’s not like i have anyone’s support here because no one knows. I always have this fear not only that the staff are gonna end up having this sit down with me which i doubt unless someone voices their concern.. I’m scared they’re gonna look at my scars and question me. Tomorrow in my program we’re going to six flags but i can’t go in the water because of scars. I want to SI right now i’ve wanted to off and on and i’ve screwed up already in the last 12 days ish being here. My high school friend who knew she always told me that maybe college would “fix me” … then i started to think so too because this would be a fresh start but i guess it wont fix me. I’ve started isolating myself to prevent people from getting close because i have this fear of being hurt. I try so hard not to SI but sometimes it just pulls me in because i feel alone here. I’ve thought about telling my roommate that hey guess what i actually do have an eating disorder that my doctor knows about and my family knows about or I’ve thought about telling another friend here who’s older… but it has been a debate in my head. SI isn’t something i thing i can really talk with people because i can’t form the words and it’s hard i don’t want people assuming that i do this for attention. I mean it took me a long time to take my sweater off and i get uncomfortable and paranoid when i feel like someone’s looking at them. I’m a mix of things i want to tell my roommate just so she can stop announcing it even though she doesn’t really know it because I’m scared she’s gonna tell someone or go to the older friend i have here. Then there’s the big debate whether or not to just try and deal with this alone deal and I’m talking about the ED. The SI problem that I’ve had for now about 8 years i don’t think I’m strong enough to really get into a conversation with someone. It’s my private way of dealing and i need that. Sometimes i wish i never did this to myself i have different feelings going in my head right now. I want to SI and the only place where i don’t feel completely alone is here.