You know what they say: “Speak/think of the devil and he shall appear”. Well it seems like my life is ALWAYS a prime exampe of this rule! And why? I like to think it’s because I was born star-crossed, shadow-kissed, anyway you want word it, I was born cursed. I keep thinking this. I feel like I have to guard up even my innner most thoughts for Fear of them being born in real life and coming back to haunt me. And if this is so, does that mean that even my own mind is my worst enemy? I feel like my past is coming back to haunt me everyday. I feel like there is no one to save me It really is starting to scare me deep inside. I think back to all those months I went along thinking I was the girl going no where and doing nothing. Time never stopped but somehow I stopped living. Then things eventually turned around. I feel like I keep repeating myself. All of a sudden out of the clear blue Iam remembering not the fact that the worst is seemingly over, but the chest pains are back, where it hurts to breathe……One day I’m thinking, “I’m actually having a normal life; yes there is hurt but I’m making it without SIing!” then Bam! I just hit this….wall. I’m not even sure why. I know what I’m capable of dispite how many times I’ve heard the whole, “you’re not the only person to do this” speech. Of course I’m not! But it also doesn’t make me someone who DOESN’T SI!! I just… I don’t know…I keep thinking I’ve made some terrible mistake somehow, not even including SI. Right at this moment? I just want someone to hug me….but at the same time I dont have anyone, so I’ll settle for a dark corner to cry in…..I’m falling backwards and I don’t know why or how to stop myself. I can’t even promise myself that I won’t SI. Usually when I get this depressed I call my counselor to talk to me, but I don’t even have the strength for that. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore but pray to God I don’t SI tonight and that I’ll feel differently when I wake up in the morning…