Around fourteen years ago, on a fateful night, my dad went to fill his car with gas and he never came back. Now, you may think that he abandoned me at the age of three, but he didn’t, he died in a fatal car accident. Fourteen years ago, I was about to get in that car for the love of riding with him, but my mom wouldn’t let me. It’s almost as if she knew he wasn’t coming home that night. As if that was the last time she or I or my three month old sister were ever going to see him. I’m seventeen and I’m still struggling with it as though he died last night. No one even knows that I still have a hard time with losing him. I cry at the mere thought or memory of him.

I am over ten months clean from injuring and right now, I can feel myself slipping because I don’t want to hurt so much over the death of my dad. I want the pain and tears to go away and the only way I feel that they will go away is if I fall back in to injuring. Injuring is what made me feel numb and was the only way I felt was fit to get me through hard times. I’m going to be a senior and after I graduate, I want to go to college. More stress. I don’t want to fall back but then I want to because then I will have one less thing to struggle with. I’m lost and sometimes I wish I was in that car with my daddy that night.

You know, my mom was telling me a long way back that if he were still alive, they were most likely going to divorce. She asked my sister and I which we’d rather live with, death or divorce, and my sister said that maybe him dying is the best thing that happened. OHMIGOD. That tore me to pieces on the inside. That broke my heart. Losing him is the hardest thing I have to deal with besides that I am the only hearing impaired daughter in my family. I got my hearing impairment from my dad. A lot of people say I look so much like him as well.. I miss him and I don’t think I could ever have closure with losing him.