So I had “One Of Those Days” today. I hate coming home to things that aren’t like I left them… I like to have walls up, figuratively and metaphorically. See….this is going to sound silly I know, but I like having myself all boxed in when i’m sleeping. I have to share a room now, and I cannot sleep when I think someone can be out right watching me. Cannot Do it, and as simple as this sounds, it got me worked up tonight. I did what I always do when I start feeling like I’m losing my grip…I shut up. I closed my mouth and got out of my work clothes, and sat down at the computer. You see, honestly, I wish I knew what happened to me after My Mother’s Death…but I don’t. Half the time I still think I’m on the Wrong track all the way. It honestly feels like I’m broken glass and there’s no way to fix me. Everytime something comes along that makes me feel human…happy again, it always expires. And then I’m back to Square one. I didn’t SI tonight. I don’t know if I will or won’t but right now, I haven’t. Aside from that…I don’t know, episode? I had tonight, I had one of the things I HATE happen at wok. I always feel guilty when someone asks me about my scars….A co-worker asked me about it, and when I told her that, “yes they are from SI” she proceeded to tell me how stupid she thought it was and her disgust for it. Which made me feel, oh, about 2 inches tall…. Then the other day, I was talking to one of the kids, and the little one said “What are those?” And it’s a little kid, so..What was I supposed to say????? I never know! It makes me feel SO bad! I’ve heard a lot of different things from people I know about my SI after they found out, and to this day, whenever someone brings it up, it’s like they are trying to hurt me. I can’t help but feel insecure knowing how they’ve reacted or thinking about how they COULD react. Kids are so innocent…I told my Aunt the other day, ” I miss what it was like before, when me and my brother where kids” She asked me, “How so?” I said it was because things seemed so much simpler then. We thought what we thought, if we were mad or angry we yelled and cried, not hid in dark corners and curled up in little balls waiting for the world to fade away. I keep asking theses two questions: “What makes someone say ‘I love you’ and not mean it?” and “What is a REAL friend???” The second one is easier to me then the first. because I’ve had the… privilege? Horror? Of seeing both sides. The first one destroys me though. Everytime I think about it…or remember…God forbid the memories…they destroy me everyday. I wish they’d Stop. Just..Stop. Sometimes I really do think that having never loved at all, is worth more than gold, never having to know what it’s like to be Loved, have Loved, Lost or be rejected? Sounds like Heaven! But I know it’s much to late for that….I have tears coating my eyes but refusing to surface…I’ve lost the ones I love..I’m hated by the ones I Thought once loved me…and yet I let it happen again. I once again allowed myself to believe that someone loved me when all they really wanted was to use me. So is my life it seems. I’m beginning to wonder if people will always use me and toss me to the wayside…..I’m their solace…Their place to hide, the One that makes them laugh, the one that is “pretty enough” I guess, but as soon as they find someone better, or have their fill, they are no where to be found and usually have many cruel words to mark their trail of Once Existence. Even my best friend- my only best friend I had made in oh, 8 years…I don’t know where we stand anymore. There’s always something….and this kinda thing? Always happens. To Me.