I feel so terrible. I got talked to at work today, for the second time in a month, about coming to work under the influence. She said I smell like alcohol and I look crazy. Lucky for me she is my friend and isn’t documenting it. Thank God. My immediate thought after that conversation was to self injure. I don’t know what stopped me. I feel sick. Like a terrible, rotten human being. My low can’t be loosing my job. I don’t know how I turned in to how I am but I hate it. I’m going to my first ever AA meeting tomorrow. I’m anxious. Insanely anxious. Again, I’m tempted to self injure, I feel like it’s got to be a better option than drugs/alcohol. It’s not worth it. I don’t even have the energy to sellf injure honestly. I don’t feel like moving or talking. Not to anyone. I want to be alone and distant and I don’t want to poison the lives of those around me. I imagine myself being on the top of a mountian covered in snow, everything covered in snow. If any of you have seen Smallville, the scene’s that show the fortress of solitude, that’s where I am. With the cold wind on my face, and alone. At the same time though, I don’t want to be alone…I can’t describe it. I want to be alone, but I’m on the verge of a giant anxiety attack and it’s never good to be alone through that. I will wake up my girlfriend and she will look at me and know whats wrong and tell me to calm down but I can’t, I can’t calm down because I can’t breath. I shake, my skin tingles, my knees get weak, I don’t want to be alone now. Now I NEED someone to be with me and reassure me it will pass, it’s not really going to kill me even though it feels like I can’t breathe. I think back to the first anxiety attack I had and when they checked my vitals, because I have asthma and I was saying I couldn’t breathe, they said my oxygen level was 100%…that thought calms me. It helps me know I really can breath, I just have to let it pass. Eventually, after about 10 minutes of the panic overwhelming my body and my mind, I realize it’s been 10 minutes and I am still breathing so I know it’s in my head. It’s like a fever breaking, I’m all crazy and freaking out and then it rises to a climax and I cry and it breaks and once I start crying, it starts to fade slowly. Talking myself through this just helped me not freak out. I just have to breath and get through every minute and stop hating myself so much. I’m so tired. Tomorrow is my first day off in like 11 or 12 days. I don’t even know. The only sleep I get isn’t natural sleep. I just feel sick, in my stomach, in my head. Everywhere. Mostly in my mind. I need to go to sleep, and calm way,way down.