The moment i feel completely abandoned becomes my weakest moments. It’s hard to open up sooo much to those close friends and end up telling them your secrets and then for them to give up and to ignore you.If they gave up on me why try over and over again to stop? Why not just give up on myself? Why hang out with a girl who can’t be helped ? Why hang out with a 19 year old who can’t “just stop” because it’s “easy”? Why be friends with me? I went back to SI after a week of not doing it and maybe it’s because i feel like i have no one to go to, no one who understands, no one who thinks i matter to them and then i turn to this website and it’s different. Everyone understands, everyone seems to care and no one is telling me ” just stop it’s easy” because truthfully this is not what i want for my life. If i were able to “just stop” i would have done it already.
I have to constantly lie to pretend that i’m okay to my “friends” because i learned not all of them are really my friends. If i tell them what’s wrong or why i’m upset enough to want to SI they’ll tell me that i’m being dumb. This is why as i kid i started to bottle things up because i felt like my feelings were dumb as if i had no right to feel the way i did. I feel alone and it just makes me want to push everyone away or shut them out. Makes me question how much i matter or even if i matter… Makes me wonder whether i’ll be spending the rest of my life filled with friends who give up on me, doesn’t understand me, leaves me and i end up alone with no one. SI has been my friend for almost 8 years … is that weird to say?