My friend just asked me how i’ve been and i just told her that i’m good but i’m not at all. I had a physical which showed that i havet food issues, and i have tachycardia and they think it could be because diet. They’re running tests but i called today and they wont tell me the results over the phone only in person at my follow up appointment.
I’m stressed beyond stressed i mean my car doesn’t work any more, i’m doing a summer program for college that starts next week since i just graduated high school a month ago and now i’m starting college. The friends who know about me and SI they all pretty much left me once summer hit. I would text and facebook them saying lets hang out and they would say okay or “i’m busy” and then i would find out they’re going out with another one of my friends. I’m alone and i feel it and i hate myself. I want to SI so badly there’s just all this self hate and tension that i have and after a week that’s what i want to turn to. I feel alone, i feel left , and i feel like my saying that opening up means getting close which means being left and hurt is 1000% true. I don’t know who i can trust any more i mean i just told one friend that i SI since i’ve been hiding it this whole time from her and she told me she wont leave me and to go to her when i need to talk but i can’t i don’t feel like i can open up again.
I want to feel important to someone as if i mattered. I want to look in the mirror and love myself for who i am for the way i look but i can’t i just want to feel loved.
SI has always been this cycle i started in 5th grade went off and on and all of a sudden it got worse last summer and i stopped for 6 month and then senior year came and i went back to it but went back into it worse than ever. I’m addicted to it and every single time i try and stop i always return in the same cycle. I would last for 2 weeks then i lasted 3 weeks and today i’m back at 1 week. I was forced to see counseling in the end of march and i saw her for 3 months at school but then i graduated and i was referred to a place but they still have not called. I’m alone and i feel like giving up and giving in. Maybe no one will read this or comment on it but i just felt like i needed to let everything out. I want to hide from everyone.