This blog will be sporadic. I feel like I need to confess, but I’m not sure what.
I spoke to my Mom tonight. Somehow my Grandma got brought up, I was feeling rather open I guess because I asked her if it was normal that some days everything will remind me of her and I will just cry, at the most random times. She said yes then she started talking about how she knew the last time she was with her that it would be the last and she spent 10 hours by her bed before she had to fly back home. She said she started crying and that Grandma couldn’t understand why her daughter, my mom, was crying (she had alzheimers). A nurse intervened and told Grandma she was just upset because she was going to miss her because she had to fly back to Florida. This breaks my heart. She was so confused that she didn’t know she was about to die. Maybe she did on some level, who knows, she was on morphine for the pain so maybe that should comfort me. It was wierd to talk to my mom candidly like that. At one point I had to stop talking and just bite my tongue and hold on to the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white, anything to distract myself from crying.
My therapist recommended an inpatient rehab sort of program. It was a shock at first, then an emotional mess, and now, it’s just complicated and scary, but I’m praying somehow, it will work out.
My eating has been terrible, my substance abuse, it’s like I don’t care, but I do. My therapist told me I’m not trying to get sober. I got irritated at that. She said I’m doing everything right except changing the actual behaviors…duh! I KNOW that, that’s why I’m confused! It was an intense, heated (on my end, not hers) uncomfortable, scary, productive session. The intensity didn’t fade but I broke and then it ended gently and with reassurance. So far, therapy has been the best thing i’ve ever done for myself. It’s so much harder and different than I thought it would be though.
I have a very strong urge to self injure tonight. I feel like just giving in. My girlfriend is mas at me, I’ve been eating terribly, I’ve been going dangerously overboard with alcohol…why not go ahead and self injure. I feel it’s what I deserve. I deserve the pain and the shame that comes with it. I’m already ashamed and disgusted with myself. Sorry this is a negative blog, I try to be encouraging, but honesty is best, and tonight-honestly- I just want to self injure and go to sleep for a long time. Unfortunately, god willing I wake up, reality is only a couple hours of sleep and then sitting at work two hours early, and then sitting there 3 hours after my shift because one of our cars is broken down.
Goodnight world. Thank you for listening to my venting.