I’m off work today, home, alone. I don’t have my car tody. One of my favorite movies is 28 days. If you haven’t seen it, it’s an addict going through 28 days of rehab. There is a part in the movie where the main character, played by Sandra Bullock, has pretty much accepted she has a problem and attempts to not use any drugs or alcohol. She sits on her bed and can’t just sit there, the throws her pills out the window so she wont take them, she tried to sit there and just can’t sit there alone.
I can’t be alone. Hence the blogging right now. I should go sit outside by the river and breathe the fresh air, I should read, I should write in my journal, I should do something…anything! I feel sick. I feel disgusting, inside and out. My hands are shaking, I can’t focus, I can’t just sit here alone. It’s ridiculous. Self injury is a very tempting distraction at the moment. I feel like it will wake me up, bring me back to reality, snap me out of this panic I’ve got myself in. I can’t take an anti anxiety pill yet,safely. I’m freaking out. I think that I know…I don’t know? I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I hate this me 🙁 Why do I do this to myself over and over and over again. What kind of person can’t just sit here by myself? A friend just invited me to go to the dog beach with her and her girlfriend. I should go. I shouldn’t be home alone. I said no though because I don’t like for people to see me like this,even though she’s seen me through a lot. My eyes are red and I’m just paranoid and shaking and I can’t be still. I can’t close my eyes and just breathe. breathe.breathe.breathe. The room spins. my mind spins. self injury is looking real tempting. I’d regret it though. I know I will. I shouldn’t. I have to remind myself it’s not going to fix anything. It’s not, right? :/ I can’t remember right now, half of me is saying it will feel good, make me feel better, at least a little bit. The other half is saying NO,big flag. no,no,no. There is a big red flag in my mind right now. around the flag are clusters of thoughts, spinnnnnning. I have to take it by the moment. Every minute I’m telling myself, no more drinks, no pill to calm me down because it’s not safe, no self injury because it’s too risky in this state of mind and because it wont help really, dont panic dont panic dont panic 🙁