My family has been driving me crazy. I dont want to be around them, I dont want to be around anyone for the matter. I havnt even hung out with friends so its not like im choosing friends over family. I just want to be alone. I want to do what I want. IS that selfish? I sied. I usually dont relapse this long. Maybe I do. Im not sure. All i know is I want to si or I hate food, I hate myself, I hate life. When I si it gives me something else to think about. I can actually not think of anything. My mind can go blank and i dont have to worry. Kind of like when I blog. When i blog here I dont really think of anything but my thoughts. Sometimes i get sidetracked. Other times i close my eyes and type my actual thoughts. (which explains all the typose lol) but anyway…
I was googling why my hair was falling out the other day and I came across a website that was a”support” gorup of sorts. I signed up because you can never have too much support I guess. I dont feel comfortable though. Im probably going to close that account. Its just tooo… personal… i guess that would be the right word. People post pictures of themselves (non injury just profile pics), but its not safe to me. Its not like here. I dont have to worry about keeping an image. I can be honest old me and not worry someone might digure out who i am in passing. Or besides that, its not moderated. So SI is referred to in many different ways. I didnt think it would be so triggering but it really is. Apparently im really sensitive to people explaining their injuries. I never knew that. I thought only when I saw videos or actual scars I would be triggered but apparently reading about it in detail is just as triggering.
I told my familyI have to do homework, which is why Im able to sit here and blog. I just want to go home (im at my aunts) put on my pjs, and watch tv. But unfortunately I get stuck here all day with my mom, aunt, dad, and cousin.
I know i said this before but i just wante to be alone. I want to be isolated. I want to be able to do nothing and not have to explain it to anyone. I keep lying to my family and telling them im working later than I really am spo I can be tehre longer, usually i get so bored there but i can just stay there and not worry about pleasing my parents. I dont have to be fake. well when im off the clock at least. Idk i feel like im rambling now so im going to go.