My family has been driving me crazy.  I dont want to be around them, I dont want to be around anyone for the matter.  I havnt even hung out with friends so its not like im choosing friends over family.  I just want to be alone.  I want to do what I want.  IS that selfish?  I sied.  I usually dont relapse this long.  Maybe I do.  Im not sure.  All i know is I want to si or I hate food, I hate myself, I hate life.  When I si it gives me something else to think about.  I can actually not think of anything.  My mind can go blank and i dont have to worry.  Kind of like when I blog.  When i blog here I dont really think of anything but my thoughts.  Sometimes i get sidetracked.  Other times i close my eyes and type my actual thoughts.  (which explains all the typose lol)  but anyway…

I was googling why my hair was falling out the other day and I came across a website that was a”support” gorup of sorts.  I signed up because you can never have too much support I guess.  I dont feel comfortable though.  Im probably going to close that account.  Its just tooo… personal… i guess that would be the right word.  People post pictures of themselves (non injury just profile pics), but its not safe to me.  Its not like here.  I dont have to worry about keeping an image.  I can be honest old me and not worry someone might digure out who i am in passing.  Or besides that, its not moderated.  So SI is referred to in many different ways.  I didnt think it would be so triggering but it really is.  Apparently im really sensitive to people explaining their injuries.  I never knew that.  I thought only when I saw videos or actual scars I would be triggered but apparently reading about it in detail is just as triggering.

I told my familyI have to do homework, which is why Im able to sit here and blog.  I just want to go home (im at my aunts) put on my pjs, and watch tv.  But unfortunately I get stuck here all day with my mom, aunt, dad, and cousin.

I know i said this before but i just wante to be alone.  I want to be isolated.  I want to be able to do nothing and not have to explain it to anyone.  I keep lying to my family and telling them im working later than I really am spo I can be tehre longer, usually i get so bored there but i can just stay there and not worry about pleasing my parents.  I dont have to be fake. well when im off the clock at least.  Idk i feel like im rambling now so im going to go.