I’m so tired. i dont know how to deal with thisl I wish I were stronger. Right now I’m JUST sstrong enough to hold me up, to hold her up I’m shaking…like when you lift weights until your muscles shake. I’m about to give in. I alraedy drank and stuffff. I feel up and DOWN and I have to be at work at 7am. I’m too tired for that. why am i awake. I feel like my body is detachted from my emotions. I feel nothing. I am a blank canvas, a brick wall, untouched sand, a clear vision. I am nothing, nothing good,. nothing bad, nothing nothing nothing. I feel nothing. The drink was staring at me from the counter “come on steph, have a drink of me, you’ll feel better, nothing will matter to you”. So after hours of fighting the urge I gave in, because I’m weak i guess? Now, hours later, the “tool” is staring at me from the counter saying “hey steph, use me, you’ve used me so many times, why not use me again? You love me, I am your sick and twisted hug.” I don’t know what to do. it’s so eaasy to give in . i’ve realized recovery is so much harder than just using. using self injury, using drugs, using alcohol, it’s all so addicting to me. everything. it’s so easy. just grab it. It’s hard to reach out to a person and risk releasing your feelings that way, or to reach out to god, or to reach out to the gym, healthy things.
I just sit here, tools staring at me, tempting me. I have to go to work in a few hours. Goodnight world. I hope I wont SI., I wish I trusted myself.