Everything I read from other people is so relate-able.  I feel a little less crazy and weird knowing that other people have the same thoughts and feelings as me. Only my close friends know and they all think I’m crazy. They tell me, “Just stop?” Or they say, ” I am going to have to tell someone if you do it again. ” It just makes me bottle up more. No one really understands, except my sister. She is a psychology major and she SI’s. I don’t get why though. She doesn’t know about me, my whole family doesn’t. I don’t want them to. I don’t EVER want them to. I know how hard it is to have someone in your life like that and I don’t want to hurt my family more. Everyone thinks my sister is psycho and she needs help. I understand her though, I know what it is like. I was talking to a school counselor before summer started, she doesn’t know that I hurt myself though.  Both of my school counselors told me they would have to report it if I hurt myself. I did tell them about being sexually abused and she reported it. I was okay with that, my mom already knew about it. Every time I do something embarrassing, mess up, get in a fight with my family or a memory comes up I hurt myself. I really wish I didn’t, I wish I wouldn’t have every started and I feel so dumb. I don’t understand how is makes me feel better, it just does. It releases a pain inside of me I can’t speak or write. It’s my art..? I have thought about going to see a therapist but I don’t want them to report me or tell my mom. Would they? I have wrote out my problems but I keep my journal at my friends because I don’t want my family to read it. Writing helps, but I still want to si after. My counselor recommended writing. I kept my journal in her room locked up for a while and she wrote back, but I would fold over the pages I didn’t want to share. I always feel like I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough for my coach, she doesn’t even tell my good job or give me a hug like the other members.  I’m not good enough for myself. Lately I have been reading quotes that have been helping me and I haven’t si-ed in… a week? Before that I haven’t si-ed for 4 and a half weeks but I couldn’t help it anymore. I read some posts on here before and it said the longer you go without hurting yourself the more it gets pushed into the back of your head, but it doesn’t ever leave from my thoughts. I think about it probably everyday. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me get past this? What can I do to help my forget about my memories or never thinking about hurting myself?