I haven’t SIed in about three and a half weeks and I just feel…weird. I feel weird without it. I feel like not doing it is like losing a part of me. Like my hidden form of expression is gone and I now have to change my way of life to find other ways to cope with these horrible urges to SI. I don’t know…maybe I miss it? Is that twisted? It was almost easier to just give in, though in the long run it made it harder because of the need to hide it from everyone and the constant feeling of failure. A part of me knows I’m better without it, but another part of me is just waiting for something to happen so I can resort back to it. I don’t want to go back to it, but in a way it’s the only fall back I have. I don’t understand why I feel this way! Do I even make sense??
I feel stronger for resisting it in a way, but also weaker. Three and a half weeks is the longest I’ve gone since February. I’ve had some pretty close calls, and some days it’s only a distant thought. I don’t know why I feel weaker, but I feel like a part of me is dying off. I know it’s a bad part of me dying, but it’s still a part of me. And I don’t want to let go.
But I’m letting go a little each day. Maybe someday, it will be out of my reach. I can only pray that day will come.