“I take these pills to make me thin
I dye my hair, and “Si” my skin
I tried everything, to make them see me
But all they see, is someone that’s not me”
Two days in a row of SI. Its like i’m doing this on purpose. Its like I dont want to be better. Funny how I si, and dont worry about food. I went to the store yesterday and got new tools. I feel better. But the lady probably thought I was crazy for what I bought. Such a random purchase. I bought extra stuff so the lady wouldnt realize why I was buying what I was buying. Who does that? Who goes and gets tools specifically for hurting themselves? I do.
I dont see how professional help would really help me right now. I know all my risks. I know how to be safe from different things. i know what the outcomes will be. Im a psycholgy major for gods sake! Im going to school to become a counselor! I know all the bad. I know the consequences.. it shows all over me. I feel the consequences on a daily basis, but I cant stop… i dont WANT to. Sometimes I get worried im being carelessa nd my mom might find out one day i’m doing it again. but its MY body. Not hers. Mine. Its the one thing I can say is truely, soley, wholey mine. No one can take it away from me. So I should be able to do what i want to do with it right? WRONG! Would my family rather me have an acohal adiction? Do they want me to drink myself to sleep every night?? Do they want me to grab a drink everytime I feel stressed out?? I know thats not the right outlet. What is?? How do “normal” people release these thoughts? These feelings? These urges?? I cant tell anyone. I cant talk to anyone about this. No one understands. I told a friend a few months ago I was si-ing again… she asked if I was really depressed and she didnt notice. I just told her I was good at hiding it. And that was it. Im 22 years old and I feel too old to have this problem. I know its dumb to feel that way because its not an age thing. But at the same time I feel like if i tell anyone theyll think im asking for attention. Believe me I get enough of that. I dont want attention. I dont want anyone to tell me what to do. I want to do what I need to do to feel ok. I need to do what I need to do to be able to smile. To be able to be who everyone WANTS me to be. Who cares who I want to be. I hear all these stories of kids who were bullied so they turned to self harm. I was NEVER bullied. I was never abused. My life has always be a constant wheel turning. Never dull, never exciting. Why have I been struggling with this for the past 8+ years? Why is it that I decided to take a tool and ruin myself with it? Why did I pick up that tool and release that energy? Sometimes im glad I did, because I dont know how long I could take life at that point. But when I think back, there wasnt anything bad going on! Like there isnt one night that I can pin point bad things happening. Sure my parents fought, sure i fought with them, sure I didnt get to go to school dances, sure i didnt get to go to friends houses. But is that really reason enough??
I realized I can never be with anyone and be intimate with them with all the scars that I have without telling them why I have them. Who would ever want to be with someone like that? Driving to work today I realized… I could live alone for the rest of my life. If I really needed to I could totally live alone. I could have my career and not worry about a spouse or children. Heres the messed up part… the main reason I thought that would be so I could si. So I could keep si with me for those days I need it. How can I explain to a future husband that “sorry i cant be close with you tonight” why? because I had a bad day and needed to si?? Really??? If I were to tell anyone these thoughts theyd think I was crazy for sure. Theyd look at me like I was a nutjob. Maybe I am. Im choosing a form of comfort over a partner in life. Im choosing an outlet rather than love.