I havent felt the warm wet tears run down my cheeks in a long time. i dont know why it takes me being under the influence to cry but it does. My grandma died on March 11th of this year. I havent acknowledged how big of a part my life she was. My first memory in life is with her, she took me and held my hand when she took me in the nursery of the hospital to see my newborn little sister. I need to write this. When she died in March it didn’t feel real, then a few weeks later I made it real and I ruined pictures of her, to make my mind know her body was just ashes now. It worked temporarily but now I just block it out. I accidently ran in to a picture of her on someone else’s facebook page and it flooded me. It’s like the alcohol opens a valve in me that can’t otherwise be open. I am NOT suggesting that, in fact, to anyone reading, don’t ever use alcohol as an escape or an outlet, it’s a trap. Since I’m stuck in this trap and I apparently havent learn to get out yet, it opens a part of me that is otherwise off limits to myself. Her eyes, I miss her eyes and laugh and soft skin. She used to hold me and rub my back until I feel asleep. She lived with us for 5 years after my grandpa died.She was so soft and gentle.mental illness runs in the family. very deeply. she was mean and controllling sometimes to be honest,but she loved me so much. I miss her so hurt it hurts. my tears come and if i let them they fall down my face. i let them tonight. i dont want to hurt myself tonight. i do, desperately, but THAT release doesn’t compare to the real thing. I miss her. I hope she knows how much i loved her and i hope she didn’t feel alone. I miss her so much. I hope she knew i loved her and even though the alxheimers took over near the end I like to think she felt my deep love. It is ever flowing to anyone who needs it. if only I could give it to myself. but tonight,right now its so not about me, i just miss her and I’m not going to put another scar on my body because of it, she would just want me to sing our song.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear how much i love you, please don’t take my sunshine away. the other night dear while i lie sleeping i dreamt i held you in my arms. when i awoke dear i was mistaken so i hung my head and cried, you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey. you’ll never know dear how much i love you, please don’t take my sunshine away.

rip grandma, i miss you and for tonight i’m allowing it to hurt inside and i wont write it on my skin, I’ll just feel it, but only for you. I miss calling you grandma. I miss you so much.