I want to self injure. SO badly. i dont know why. I have a storm brewing inside me, it’s angry. it’s devilish. It’s racing. My mind; it’s going 100 mph, it’s on empty, it’s blank. I need a doctor. Crash. It’s blank. I’m blank. clear. I’ve tried to slow it down. liquid, smoke ,air, breath. I don’t know if I’m asleep if I’m awake. I shouldnb’t be using alcohol when I’m upping my dose of medications. I know this. I do it anyway, why??? I hate myself. I HATE me. I don’t know who I am. I am an angry, narcissistic, helpless, weak, person. I want the release of self-injury but I don’t want the scars, I don’t want the shame, I don’t want ot deal with the mess of emotions that follow.
I am healing, my skin is healing, i look well.
I cant stop though, i feel helpless. Crash crash crash. anger anger anger. What am I angry at? Who am I angry with?
I want to strike everything in my path, a hurricane. Everyone, everything. Violence. I hate violence, i wear a peace sign around my neck every day but I scream anger inside and I can’t let it out, it wont come out until I injure myself, it stays inside and brews and brews and brews.
Is this my medicine messing with with my mind>? I’m about to lose my mind. I haven’t injured to this point, I’m blogging instead, I’m venting. Demons let me turn on the lights. I need to be punished or hugged…i don’t know which one. It hurts when I see me struggle in this place, I second guess myself, I can endure no more. I demand I realize who I am. A black hole. Back and forth, pull and push.crash.crash.crash. Hide it, hide it, and hide it. I feel like I need a doctor to bring me back. WHAT am I angry at? Who? I remember no trauma. Just confusion.
dear me: You scare me sometimes. You should have compassion for yourself the way you do for everyone else. You should love yourself the way you love everyone else.
amazing how if we could all follow are own advice our lives would be so much clearer!!
sometimes I try to step back and help myself, but i feel like im a lost cause, that others are stronger than i am. but other times i think i need to be strong so others can see how strong i really am.
I hate me too, but we need to try to love ourselves…if you find out will you let me know? your not alone and dont give up!! <3 stay strong