I want to self injure. SO badly. i dont know why. I have a storm brewing inside me, it’s angry. it’s devilish. It’s racing. My mind; it’s going 100 mph, it’s on empty, it’s blank. I need a doctor. Crash. It’s blank. I’m blank. clear. I’ve tried to slow it down. liquid, smoke ,air, breath. I don’t know if I’m asleep if I’m awake. I shouldnb’t be using alcohol when I’m upping my dose of medications. I know this. I do it anyway, why??? I hate myself. I HATE me. I don’t know who I am. I am an angry, narcissistic, helpless, weak, person. I want the release of self-injury but I don’t want the scars, I don’t want the shame, I don’t want ot deal with the mess of emotions that follow.
I am healing, my skin is healing, i look well.
I cant stop though, i feel helpless. Crash crash crash. anger anger anger. What am I angry at? Who am I angry with?
I want to strike everything in my path, a hurricane. Everyone, everything. Violence. I hate violence, i wear a peace sign around my neck every day but I scream anger inside and I can’t let it out, it wont come out until I injure myself, it stays inside and brews and brews and brews.
Is this my medicine messing with with my mind>? I’m about to lose my mind. I haven’t injured to this point, I’m blogging instead, I’m venting. Demons let me turn on the lights. I need to be punished or hugged…i don’t know which one. It hurts when I see me struggle in this place, I second guess myself, I can endure no more. I demand I realize who I am. A black hole. Back and forth, pull and push.crash.crash.crash. Hide it, hide it, and hide it. I feel like I need a doctor to bring me back. WHAT am I angry at? Who? I remember no trauma. Just confusion.