sometimes i wish i know why the urges came randomly. I just bought a new car. I just got a great grade in a class. i just had family over and we had a great time. i just got a great paycheck. i just got a volunteer job i needed and wanted. but i sied. after almost a month i want to say? i dont even remember. i dont think i planned on si-ing. but i just kinda needed it. Im not sure how to explain it. and after I did it… all i kept thinking was… i need more. i woke up this morning and looked and realized it didnt hurt at all. i didnt even feel it. does that mean its not ligit enough? does that mean I need more? how can si feel good when you cant feel it? maybe i want it now because I didnt feel it? maybe I keep thinking about it because it was such a loing break. I wish i knew. I wish i didnt have to contemplate this. I wish i could take all the great things i went through these past couple days and lean on that, apparently i cant. i just wish i knew.
idk. i really wanna say i knew why si is so tempting. why im thinking i need new tools why im thinking i shouldnt have thrown my other tool away.