sometimes i wish i know why the urges came randomly.  I just bought a new car.  I just got a great grade in a class.  i just had family over and we had a great time.  i just got a great paycheck.  i just got a volunteer job i needed and wanted.  but i sied.  after almost a month i want to say? i dont even remember.  i dont think i planned on si-ing.  but i just kinda needed it. Im not sure how to explain it.  and after I did it… all i kept thinking was… i need more.  i woke up this morning and looked and realized it didnt hurt at all.  i didnt even feel it.  does that mean its not ligit enough?  does that mean I need more?  how can si feel good when you cant feel it? maybe i want it now because I didnt feel it? maybe I keep thinking about it because it was such a loing break.  I wish i knew.  I wish i  didnt have to contemplate this.  I wish i could take all the great things i went through these past couple days and lean on that,  apparently i cant.  i just wish i knew.

idk.  i really wanna say i knew why si is so tempting.  why im thinking i need new tools why im thinking i shouldnt have thrown my other tool away.