It’s been a really long time since I last posted anything on here. It’s been about a month since I last SI’d and I kind of feel good about making it so long but at the same time I’m worried because in the summer I usually hold out longer simply because it’s harder to hide it. I’m afraid I’m going to relapse because the urges get so bad on some days, but so far I’ve stuck it out.
I was waiting for my parents to come out of the store earlier this evening and so I was just sitting in the car waiting and I noticed this guy waving and smiling. So I looked at him and gave him a half smile before he got into his car and then as he was leaving I realized I knew him from school, he’d been in one of my classes last semester. At first as any girl would be, I was flattered that he even recognized me because no one ever really sees me or talks to me at school. And then I turned to doubts and ended up twisting the butterflies in my stomach into an overwhelming urge to be sick because I somehow managed to convince myself that even if he did recognize me it wasn’t at all for a good reason he probably just identified me as the freak that sat next to him in first period. I hate stuff like that, whenever something happens that I could possibly see as good I end up turning it into something opposite and I make myself sick over it.
I was talking to someone who often lets me vent about SI the other day. I was telling him how lonely I feel all the time because I honestly don’t have friends, at least not friends within 300 miles of me. And his response was well are you isolating yourself from people? Ever since SI has been a part of my life it’s hard to connect with people. It’s like SI ate away at the part of my brain that tells me how to communicate. I’m an awful conversationalist and so I just don’t talk to people very much … thus the lack of friends. SI just makes everything so hard, I can’t conncect with people because it makes me distance myself. I’m kind of just rambling …. but at least it gets it out, right?