I write this blog, I write every blog really as its own form of like a diary entry. I feel kinda bad sometimes, just blurting everything out and all, but I don’t expect comments or whatnot. Sometimes I feel bad that I don’t have enough strength to comment on other people’s blogs, but I have to make sure I can handle myself first. Especially after yesterday.
Yesterday was the worst urge I’ve had in awhile. Normally I get at least one a week that’s insanely bad. I was laying on my bed minding my own business, and then it hits me that my boyfriend could do so much better then me. That I’m not worth it, and it got into me and just… it made me want to grab my tools. Hidden nearby. I couldn’t though, I can’t risk the consequences of cracking. I am debating drinking now… kinda underage and whatnot, but wouldn’t it calm my nerves? I think I will save it for an emergency day though. One where the only option is to SI but I need an escape.. What else though, oh, I ended up lasting somehow through the urge by forcing myself asleep, it is how I rescue myself.
Today though, I know I won’t SI… even though Its like an urge always exist. I only say that I won’t because it was my last game of softball. I am kinda nervous because it has been a great outlet lately. And now without it, will I last? I already doubt my self-worth, and that gave me some worth. My team lost, not like that matters. The ball was almost never hit to me. The one time it was I dove towards it and tossed it onto the field while still laying down. Later one of my teammates told me no matter what to make sure I stand up before throwing. I was proud of my little dive, and she tears into it. I was up to bat three times, the first and third I was hit by the ball. Well, that will form a mark. The second up to bat I hit the ball, made it to first, and ended up stole 2nd, walked to third and stole home. I slid home actually, and that hurt the back of my leg. I always remember the pain, and it gives me some bizarre strength. The second time I was hit by the ball, I started laughing, it was bizarre.
My scars are fadding. And before the urge strikes, its time for bed… goodnight world again.
I am worth it?