I realized it’s been a month and four days… not nearly long enough, and yet way too short. That’s all I want to do right now, is SI.
What’s so strange about this, is that I am perfectly happy today. I spent all day with my boyfriend and my friends, and watched fireworks and the parade. I hung around people that make me feel good about myself. I was drenched in makeup, wearing a nice outfit. It was tight though, tight shirt, and I couldn’t eat anything there, like I was being judged. I kept hiding my scars, just in case. But he told me he loved me… but I don’t think I’m worth it. Not really.
I kept thinking back to last year, before everything changed. I am happy now, I really am. But last year, I had life, a different one. One where, now that I think about it… I hated every day. But I didn’t realize that. Last year, I had a different group of friends, I was with my best friend at the time, and we watched fireworks together, and laughed. And today, at the parade, she ignored me completely, her and her mom. It hurt. It brought me pain, even sharper then SI. And I just planted that smile on my face, and squeezed my boyfriend’s hand. Trying to realize I have more now.
Maybe I’ll draw another butterfly on me today… And cry myself to sleep. If I hold ice, that might help.
It’s been to long to quit now, I am worth it, I am.