so, um… I think this is just gonna turn into me going blah blah blah to the Internet… Yeah. It’s been three days since the last time I SIed… But today I felt like a worthless piece of junk. I didn’t get anything done and I really should have.
Also, I was texting my “brother” (he’s not actually related to me) and he said something about love being the greatest gift in life and giving us hope through dark times (cause somehow we got on the subject of my love interest, or rather lack thereof). That’s about when I started feeling lousy. I thought to myself “I don’t really deserve something like that.” and I believed it too, because I had someone who genuinely cared about me, but when he found out about my SI I panicked and pushed him away. Our relationship got so screwed up after that… We haven’t really spoken since like February. And then my mom has to go and make things worse by saying “oh I wish you would get back with him.” … Like I didn’t feel bad enough about basically shooting him down already. Maybe I just don’t know how to accept love from other people. I feel like I’m annoying or weird or just a burden and I don’t deserve it. I won’t force my company on people who obviously don’t want me around, which usually seems like everyone.
So I sat in the basement today, talking to myself. It was actually pretty nice. I just talked out loud the things I couldn’t say but really wanted to, and I didn’t have to worry about people hearing me or watching my cry about it. And after that I didn’t feel the need to SI. I wonder how well that would work with a real therapist? I kinda wish I had a therapist to talk to, but to get one I would need to let my mom know about my SI and I just don’t think I’m ready to “come out” about it yet…