I feel like i annoy everyone by constantly writing on this blog… sorry if i do. Today is get yelled at day for me it’s as if i never do anything right. It made me want to SI and i still want but i thought maybe writing here will help me because i’ve lasted for 2 weeks and 4 days and i can’t start the cycle back up like i always do. It’s hard because as my mom yelled at me i kept shut and she got mad because she was on the phone talking about me and i would say something to her and she got off the phone and yelled at me pretty much saying that i don’t respect her and that i don’t listen to her. That happened and i felt the need to SI i felt like i was a bad daughter and a bad person… reminded me of a book i read called “The Curse of the Good Girl” by Rachel Simmons where you try to be this perfect person who’s quite, kind, no opinions on things, follows the rules and once someone puts you down you blame yourself for not being “good enough” or “perfect” because you have to reach this high expectations that others put onto you. That’s how i feel i have all this pressure to be perfect that when i screw up it’s as if i’m not good enough i’m not worthy or important enough. I want to SI because that’s all i’ve known to do and of course my mom and family doesn’t know about this… but the fact is i feel like i have to be this perfect good grades type of person who doesn’t voice her opinions or her emotions. I’ve learned that growing up i’ve learned to stay shut and when something’s wrong to just ignore it because that’s life. I can’t deal with emotions truthfully i never know how to tell someone that i’m upset or tell someone that i feel like they’re avoiding me as if i did something wrong. I want to SI and believe me i really want to but then i think 2 weeks 4 days just take it day by day. The urge today is strong and the fact is that scares me. Everyone expects soo much out of me that i feel like i can’t disappoint them in any way. I’m going to college in 1 month and the pressure my family has on me is huge. I feel like i need to be perfect i need to make them proud or i need to sacrifice my happiness for theirs. I want to SI because it helps some reason that’s what helps me and it shouldn’t be that way. I have work and if that doesn’t distract me enough maybe it’s time to text or call my friend( who I’ve been pushing away because i feel like i’m annoying her) … even though she tells me i don’t. It’s just too much for me to handle right now.