So. I SI-ed again two days ago, then the day after that. I don’t really know why I let myself do that, cause I knew it was wrong, but… It made me feel better. I don’t think I’ll do it today though. I’ll blog instead.
Sometimes I feel like I’m two different people- the me that comes out when there are people around, and the me that no one can ever see, who comes out whenever I’m alone. Those two are warring with each other and I don’t think this will stop until one of us is destroyed… And I’ll lose either way.
I wore a fleece sweater today in 103 degree weather, outside. I’m so scared that someone in my family will see my scars, I can’t stand it. I feel like I’ll never be able to wear anything but long sleeves again unless my door is locked. Which stinks with band camp coming up. Wearing long sleeves there could be dangerous to my health, so I don’t know how I’ll cope. I guess I’ll worry about that when the time comes.
I feel so worthless today. Which is weird because it was actually a pretty fun day. We hung out with friends and played games and had ice cream— but I still feel like I took something that wasn’t mine. Did I steal the happiness? I don’t feel like I deserved it, like I should’ve earned it, or compensated.
But the weird thing is, I’m good at ignoring these feelings when I’m around people- because when I ignore them, they don’t show. When I get home and alone in my room is a totally different story. Everything just comes crushing down and I feel like such a horrible person, I’m disgusted with myself.
But I won’t SI tonight. Even if SI-ing would help me sleep, I’ll lay awake until I’m just too exhausted and I pass out. I don’t want this to rule my life. But I can feel myself slipping back into old habits. I don’t know how long I’ll keep this up.
Here’s to day one without it.