I almost SIed yesterday. I felt like a different person. I’ve noticed that my mood drops with the sun. I started getting really moody around 5 yesterday and I spun out of control. I’m not sure why or how. I felt total mania mixed with rage. I didn’t want to be touched or spoken to or even looked at. Just leave me alone for a while and let it run it’s course, that’s what I told my girlfriend. I got a flat tire and that just set me off because it felt like the end of the worl. Normally this is when I’d “fix it” and drink alcohol or take an anti anxiety pill or self injure. It would have been much easier than sitting with my feelings. But for the first time, in a long time, I just stayed sober and felt. What I felt was crazy, up down everywhere in between, every second back and forth. I felt rage then calm, then rage, then calm. My girlfriend said she noticed as soon as she got home because I was jumping from subject to subject and fidgeting. I don’t notice these things sometimes but she did and wouldn’t leave me alone. I don’t know if anyone else ever does this, but sometimes I ask her to take away sharp objects, hide them from me, dispose of them, whatever, just take them out of my sight. She does, she looks at me like I’m a five year old that has to have her toys taken away because she was bad, but I’m being completely serious when I ask her this. I could do it myself but to hold a tool in my hand in that state of mind, ugh it’s just too close. I’m scared to SI now. The last time was two weeks ago and it was worse than usual and what makes me more scared is that I didn’t feel anything, physically. I never believed I’d have to self injure worse and worse as time goes on to get the same effect. Like alcohol or any substance, you know when you use it all the time you build up a tolerance and what worked the first time doesn’t work anymore because you need more. I have been SIing a lot less over the past few months but when I have it’s been worse and I didn’t even realize it. It just worries me a bit, so I asked her to take things out of my sight and not leave me alone. I didn’t hurt myself last night, and I sat with my feelings for hours and hours. I don’t like how I felt. I’m home alone all day today, stuck because my car has a flat tire.