Sometimes, even while on my medication, I get these wicked paranoia streaks. It’s pms related I know because it’s always the same time and no matter how many times I tell myself it’s in my head and its irrational and it happens every month…I don’t believe myself.
So tonight was one of those times. I started feeling panicky and jittery and foggy and then I went to the gym and that helped. I came home and used lip balm that was free at pride last weekend and I was convinced some homophobic terrorist had injected poison in it. I ate dinner and felt sick so I assumed it was poisoned as well. I took a a med for acid reflux and had a whole scheme in my head about the government poisoning everyone by medications.
I asked my girlfriend to just maybe hug me for a few minutes, remind me it’ll pass. She didn’t and she didn’t listen to me talking to her about my therapy homework I worked on this week. She fell asleep while I was reading what I wrote to her. I know I’m being ultra sensitive but the selfish childish manipulative part of me wanted to SI just to make her pay attention to me. I didn’t, and I’ve never done that before, but it seemed reasonable a little while ago. Hence this blog. No SI tonight. I took my anxiety medicine and I feel totally fine now. It’s so hard for me to see what is real and what isn’t sometimes. It can get so blurry, it’s scary. I just needed to vent quickly and get some of my odd thoughts out. Goodnight world.