I’m going to be a senior next year, class of 2012. I know what colleges I want to apply to and I know what I definitely want to major in. I know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I know what I want to do if I don’t get accepted into any colleges, and it’s not a good thing. I hate feeling like a failure and if I don’t get accepted, I will feel like an epic failure. You don’t even know. So if I don’t get in, then my plan is to quit my sobriety run, currently nine months one week and zero days, and go back to injuring. Why not? I’d already be a failure who can’t get into college, what harm will there be if I go back to what helped me get through the stressful and overwhelming obstacles. I don’t think I have the guts to resort to drugs, but I could resort to alcohol if I knew the right people. I get almost straight A’s. I can’t get a job to save my life. I was injuring for four years before I was pretty much forced to stop. But then again, I almost think I forced myself to stop. I went through a really bad episode before I went on this stupid sobriety run, I was struggling with disordered eating and I lost control with injuring and I “wrote” things that were really hateful. It terrified me and that was when I felt like I should stop. Lately, it’s been a different story. I don’t know what to do and I almost want to give up my sobriety. I don’t care anymore.
I’ve been wanting to comment on your blog, I’ve read it a few times and just didn’t know what to say but I know I need to say something 🙂 I had all that stuff planned out too and when things started not going according to my plan I started the alcohol and drugs and innjuring and it’s led me into a bad place. I guess I just want to say, don’t proceed with your default plan in case things dont go exactly how you’ve hoped they would. Things happen, life happens,and things never go according to plan so I guess I’d just encourage you to keep your mind open to whatever the future brings. Don’t sabotage yourself, you’re obviously smart and have ambition. Stay strong and don’t let the little twist and turns life takes us on get you down. And who knows, maybe everything will work out for you exactly how you want :)My senior year of high school I thought I’d be done with my masters degree and married to a man and have two dogs and a kid…didn’t quite work out that way but I have a steady job, a wonderful partner, my two dogs,working on recovery from the alcohol/SI…etc…and planning on going back to finish college soon. This is not what I had in mind my senior year of hs but it’s not any less fulfilling. Wishing you well, take care 🙂