Hi all. I attended a big gay pride event yesterday here in Florida. If you’ve ever read my blogs before you know, but if you haven’t, long story short: I’m gay and my parents aren’t ok with it and are very passive aggressive about the whole thing so I never know where they are with it. It’s just a big painful emotionally charged issue in general.
That being said, I attended pride yesterday and posted on my Facebook “happy pride everyone” before I went to bed last night. My dad got on there and posted a bible verse. I believe it’s from Proverbs “pride cometh before the fall”…why would he even go there? It just makes my skin crawl when he shows disapproval. I don’t know what it is, what power he holds over me, what control I give him, and my family in general. I don’t know how to take that power away and be in complete control, not let their little comments like that get to me.
I got a phone call from my mom last night and I could tell something was up. I can tell when she is in attack mode. He will follow her lead. Anyway, I saw this Facebook comment at work today and immediately I felt everything fade away and it just takes this mental hold over me, it’s hard to explain. It’s a physical reaction too.
I feel my insides get cold and then hot, I can’t focus, my hands are shaking, my brain feels cloudy and a fog comes over me. Nothing feels real. My chest gets tight and I can’t breathe.  I know these are just symptoms of anxiety and I tell myself that. I go to the freezer (sometimes the cold will shock me back into reality) and I take off my hat and put my head in my hands and try to grab on to what I know is real and what isn’t. I can’t. I can’t focus. All I feel is shame, disappointment in myself, ugly, small, scared of my family and what they think of me. I can’t focus, it’s all SO foggy, I can’t see anything. Then I want to self-injure. I want to bring myself back into reality and forget about this, forget about everything and focus on something real and tangible and push it away from my mind. I take deep breaths, hold on to the shelves and steady my weak knees. I can’t self-injure, it’s not going to help this situation. I have to find peace with this, hurting myself isn’t going to help me find that peace. I’ll go back to making coffee now and let that distract me instead. I’ll give myself time to calm down.
That was earlier. I’m fine now. I am proud of myself for not self-injuring, especially when it was in the midst of the anxiety filled moment. Honestly, usually when I get that far in to that fogginess I don’t come out of it without and injury, so I’m proud of me. AND even though it’s still so painful, I’m proud of myself for coming out.