I’m always writing on this blog but it’s because i know it’s the only place where i know other people understand, where i know i’m not alone and where i know my voice can be heard. I haven’t SIed since June 14th and this week has been a battle to hold on to the week and few days of not SIing. I have been constantly fighting with my mom and hating myself for the scars that i have… i feel like i’m alone sometimes as if no one gets me or understands how i feel. I keep my feelings to myself most the time and i tend to not open up because what has happened in the past was that opening up meant me getting close which equals them leaving me so i push people away and have trusting issues.
I have normal days and i love the days where there’s no urge but then i have really bad weeks and thinking about now why can’t i just be happy with life? Why do i always have to have these weeks where i just want to SI because i feel gross, fat, stupid, a failure, or when someone angers me or makes me sad i think do i deserve to complain because people have it worse than me. I don’t get myself at all and it scares me. I have been doing this for 7 years i’m 19 now and graduated high school on june 14th i’ve been seeing a school counselor since the end of march when a friend forced me into her office but i no longer have this counselor since school is done and i’m done with school… yet she referred me to a therapist and i don’t know how i feel about telling my story all over again and trusting a new person. I don’t want to talk any more i just want to be how i used to be where i wouldn’t talk about my problems and i would just avoid them and SI.. but it’s like a conflicting battle where i want help because i’m tired of these scars and i deserve more than hurting myself but then it’s like what other way is there to deal with this since i’ve been doing it for soo long. Every time i stop i seem to go back and i also have eating issues and sometimes when i’m not SIing my not eating habit comes back or sometimes it’s just both. It truly has been a struggle for me and some days i feel like giving up as in why bother i’m a hopeless case so why try and help me. I would stop and then 3 weeks later i would go back to SI i really don’t get myself i don’t get this and i’ve been doing it for 7 years. I get how i feel when i’m doing it and i get how i feel after but why is it people who don’t do this tun to screaming or whatever they go to and i can’t i go to this i turn to SI.
I don’t know what to expect in my first therapy session and i’m thinking this and that place hasn’t even called for the intake meeting… i’m scared and i have to hide this from my mom because no one but my brother and a few close friends know about this. I don’t want to be a disappointment to this therapist that i’ll be seeing if i do end up SIing off and on.. i just don’t know what to expect. I don’t get myself and i really wish i did.
I am in the process of seting up a therapist as well… I went through my school guidance counselor because my friend made me. She was forced to call my mom as part of school guidelines because of SI and an eating disorder. I wanted my mom to know though… to help. That and I’m not 18 yet, so it would’ve been hard to get help. I’m struggling without my guidance counselor just during this summer. We can do this together, okay? Both of us, it may take awhile but we’ll be okay. And everybody else on this website too will help us.
-Flutter
your trust issues can be dealt with. believe it when i say that there are people out there you can trust. it is hard to find them and you might go through some pain but you will find them. stay strong because times will get better.
Thanks guys. Butterflychick- yeah it really is tough because with the counselor at school it took me time to stop lying to her and really trust her but i attached myself to her. She was my go to person when i had urges at school and now i’m alone because we’re still waiting for that place to call me. I mean the counselor from school still wants to stay in contact with me and have me visit her she cares and i know she does .. most of the time i know. She emailed me a few days ago to see if the place called and in my head it was like she has no obligation to me any more but i get that she still wants to support me i guess since she knows everything about me now. It’s hard to think that i’m going to therapy and have to start this whole process over with someone i don’t know and don’t trust.
Icecream8-
People really do care… it’s hard to imagine that they do, especially when we think nobody cares or could understand. The quicker you allow yourself to believe that they are trustworthy, the quicker you can get the support you are looking for. My guidance counselor gave me her personal e-mail for over the summer… I am so thankful for how much she wants to keep in touch, even when she doesn’t have to. I used to think why in the world would they care, and I still do most of the time. Just try to trust, it’s the first step.
It’s just all new to me to open unto a counselor or tell ANYONE about this. I’ve been SIing for 7 years and it was my secret so it’s weird that someone know all about it. The moments where I second guess my friends and feel like I’m not cared about those are my worst moments.
You are cared about… every time I doubt that I’m cared about I just text my friend. I am worth it. You don’t have to tell anyone this, just get a notebook and write I am worth it… and whatever else pops in your head in addition to. Just write.
I was thinking about getting a journal but my fear is that my mom would find it. I mean i’m only going to be home for the summer then i’m off to my first year at college but i’ll be home every vacation and every weekend since my college is about 10 minutes away from my house.
Just a thought about the journal entry above – if you want to get a journal and are afraid about a lack of privacy – go and get a lock box or fire proof box that comes with your very own key :). They are pretty inexpensive and offer some privacy. Journals can be very helpful.
Other than that, I think everyone else here is saying all the right words!
Best wishes!
I used to have journals with locks but then my mom opened it and we had a huge argument. During that time i never wrote about SI so doing this worries me i think i would have to literally hide it.
Thanks Pam
icecream8:
I am sorry about the journal aspect… maybe writing in poetry would help, or you could just blog about it here as a “journal”. But even if you kept it hidden among your schoolwork that might help, say it’s for homework and whatnot.
In my computer i have 3 letters 2 of them are addressed to my mom and it tells her everything but i know i can never show her. I have it saved as “school” in my laptop plus i have a password to get in my computer. My laptop has been my journal is some instances. I have the 5 page essay that i wrote addressed to my mom hidden in school work because i can never show her but the counselor at school told me to save it for my first counseling session.. if the place ever calls me.