I’m always writing on this blog but it’s because i know it’s the only place where i know other people understand, where i know i’m not alone and where i know my voice can be heard. I haven’t SIed since June 14th and this week has been a battle to hold on to the week and few days of not SIing. I have been constantly fighting with my mom and hating myself for the scars that i have… i feel like i’m alone sometimes as if no one gets me or understands how i feel. I keep my feelings to myself most the time and i tend to not open up because what has happened in the past was that opening up meant me getting close which equals them leaving me so i push people away and have trusting issues.
I have normal days and i love the days where there’s no urge but then i have really bad weeks and thinking about now why can’t i just be happy with life? Why do i always have to have these weeks where i just want to SI because i feel gross, fat, stupid, a failure, or when someone angers me or makes me sad i think do i deserve to complain because people have it worse than me. I don’t get myself at all and it scares me. I have been doing this for 7 years i’m 19 now and graduated high school on june 14th i’ve been seeing a school counselor since the end of march when a friend forced me into her office but i no longer have this counselor since school is done and i’m done with school… yet she referred me to a therapist and i don’t know how i feel about telling my story all over again and trusting a new person. I don’t want to talk any more i just want to be how i used to be where i wouldn’t talk about my problems and i would just avoid them and SI.. but it’s like a conflicting battle where i want help because i’m tired of these scars and i deserve more than hurting myself but then it’s like what other way is there to deal with this since i’ve been doing it for soo long. Every time i stop i seem to go back and i also have eating issues and sometimes when i’m not SIing my not eating habit comes back or sometimes it’s just both. It truly has been a struggle for me and some days i feel like giving up as in why bother i’m a hopeless case so why try and help me. I would stop and then 3 weeks later i would go back to SI i really don’t get myself i don’t get this and i’ve been doing it for 7 years. I get how i feel when i’m doing it and i get how i feel after but why is it people who don’t do this tun to screaming or whatever they go to and i can’t i go to this i turn to SI.
I don’t know what to expect in my first therapy session and i’m thinking this and that place hasn’t even called for the intake meeting… i’m scared and i have to hide this from my mom because no one but my brother and a few close friends know about this. I don’t want to be a disappointment to this therapist that i’ll be seeing if i do end up SIing off and on.. i just don’t know what to expect. I don’t get myself and i really wish i did.