sometimes i get scared that someone is going to come across this page and know who I am.  someone who doesnt know me for who i really am. It really scares me.  sometimes the raw and uncencored me comes out on here, and i would die if anyone i knew personally read it.  other times I think that no one would ever even know its me.  no one knows how i really feel, so all the posts ive made are pointless to them.  theyre just words on a screen without a face behind them.

i wanted to si today. i didnt. (yay me).  i still feel the urge to.  i was behind on homework today, but i got my laptop connected to the internet and just finished todays portion so I feel better.  whatever i didint finisih is because i had questions that need to be answered before i can finish my larger portion.  so i feel good about this.  i feel like i can accomplish a “normal” day for once.  my parents still stress me out.  my cousin still bugs me.  i still worry about my weight, the lack of commitment to good food, and the fact that ill never be perfect.

but i still want to si. I still want to grab the tool thats hidden in the drawer next to me.  i still want to feel better.  whats better though? si only makes it better for an hour max. after that i feel so weak for giving in. but I will make it through tonight….i hope. Im going to throw on some music, read a book, and hopefully pass out before i give in.

good luck to everyone else tonight and stay strong <3